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| Media,
Jerry Carpenter,
20 January 1999 |
Rating: F4
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First rule of ‘BattleMail’ is DO NOT TALK ABOUT ‘Battlemail’. Well, I’d love to go along with that ruling, but that’d be a pretty short article wouldn’t it? Beyond all that BS about the Internet bringing folk together from all over the world to share interests in painting ceramics and sharing gossip about Eric Estrada, the bare fact remains that the Internet is only GREAT for ONE thing. FIGHTING. KILLING. Ladies and Gentlemen, I’m talking about FRAGGING.
Shame then, that unless you’ve got a pretty speedy link and a hot-shot graphics card you’ll not be enjoying the pleasures of death-matching with a bunch of Canadian girl scouts, Mexican nuclear scientists, and Indian bridge engineers in the Temple of Retribution. So no ‘Quake’ perhaps, but not the end of the road, because now there’s a simpler way to kick someone’s arse harder, and faster. Battlemail.
Ok, it’s not a proper arcade game as such, it’s more of a battleships style gameplay thing, but with KUNG FU! First off you download the exe file from the site and go through a nice n’ easy setup. Now you’re ready to fight. Select one of five Feet-and-Fists merchants and start planning your attacks and blocks. Send your nemesis the info, wait for them to do their thing and bingo, both of you are mailed the fight. Sit back and enjoy watching your guy in silk pyjamas whack the bejeezus out of your pal’s guy. And you can choose your own gloating message when the other guy is finally knocked flat. When the fight’s over, why wait – FIGHT AGAIN!!
The graphics are cheap and cheerful, and it’s simple enough for a baby monkey to play. Getting into it long term gives you the thrills of leaping from white belt to black and then going after the real hard buggers, whose name site on the site itself – battlemail.com. And the innocuous mail-based nature of the combat means that you won’t find yourself being handed your P45 when the boss creeps up behind you as so often happens in white collar ‘Quake’ matches. What are you waiting for ?, SHOW ME YOUR STYLES!
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