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| Media,
Jerry Carpenter,
20 January 1999 |
Rating: F1
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You know that bit at the end of ‘CrimeWatch UK’ where smug Nick Ross assures you that, although you’ve sat through an endless chain of depressing domestic crime re-enactions, there’s no reason to let it get you down. Well, that bit always puts the wind right up my Auntie, she has to sleep with the light on after that. For that very reason I’ll not be letting her get her shrivelled mitts on the latest shock mag on the newsagent shelf – ‘Crime Xpress’.
Initially you think it’s either a fat supplement to the Sunday Express (it ain’t) or someone’s idea of a joke. But no, this really is Britain’s first national newspaper dedicated solely to the exciting world of murder, arson, rape, elephant-beating, and kidnapping. The writing is low grade trash, and pretty exploitative with it – every headline punches you in the face, and every gory detail is printed in bold. Almost half of the paper is pages full of mugshots of suspected badfolk. The pics range from the familiar black and white Borstal shots to a whole bunch of computer aided portraits. These ones are a blast, bearing little resemblance to regular human beings, and if there really are guys wandering the streets who look like that, then we’ve been invaded. Keeping up this humorous slant is a page of crime crosswords and murder word searches, and a lovely little double spread called – ‘Dennis Neilson – a room of my own.’. Unfortunately there are no funny cartoons or sporting crime stories on the back pages.
Read cover to cover, this is a depressing experience, the cumulative effect of so many fear-filled tales makes you contemplate that second set of locks for the front door and windows. Who is this aimed at? - is it the same sick SOBs that line the public gallery at court for kicks? If it is then I bet those tight fists would only part with their 70 pence if the editors printed it on glossy paper. Ugh. Bin it.
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