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| TV,
Jerry Carpenter,
20 January 1999 |
Rating: F2
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I never really bothered to set my remote control so that the number pressed matches the correct channel. Consequently I’m often stuffed as to guessing which channel I’m watching. I suppose if it’s adverts I’m watching I can narrow my guesses down. If it’s a classily narrated documentary then it can only be one of two channels. And if it’s a really cheap looking and tacky then it can only be one channel, and if it’s the afternoon then it can only be ‘The Core’.
‘The Core’ is C5’s collection of youth orientated programming, and unlike the other channels, who all have their fair share of quality shows, ‘The Core is a hotch potch of old imported rubbish (‘The Wonder years’ ! – aaarghh ), and crappy home made shows about skateboarding and saving the environment. But I want to concentrate more on the real stars of the Core’s line up – the weird blonde presenter and the weirder CGI newscaster.
I’m screwed with reference for the girl’s name, I can never remember it! – but waaaay more memorable is her awesome presenting skills. Where most of your youth audience go for the bouncing off the walls wackiness, the blonde Coremaster just sits there on a pile of cushions looking for all the world like she’s ingested a sack full of Rohypnol. Her delivery style comes across 50 percent growly/flirty, and 50 percent slurred speech – the natural successor to Mariel Frostrup. The effect of all this is that you’re completely unexcited about the programme roster, and consequently you’re never disappointed by the individual shows – what a bonus!
Bonuses continue when the CoreMaster hands over to the news-report, presented by a fantastically low-grade CGI newscaster. With about five different facial expressions, this lady makes watching the day’s events a horribly surreal experience. For all the footage of train derailments and child abuse scandals, there’s always this twitching female avatar in the foreground, absorbing any sense of reality from the events. They’ve even given her a ‘looking awkwardly off camera’ expression to make her more human, and they press the button for it way too much. Believe me, this girl makes Max Headroom look like Lawrence Olivier.
I don’t know if all this comes as recommendation – it shouldn’t really (hence the low grade,) but if you suffer from my affliction of getting pleasure from crap, then you should give the girls a crack. Just duck and cover when the wee shite, Kevin from ‘The Wonder Years’ comes on.
Channel 5, Weekend Afternoons
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