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| TV,
Jerry Carpenter,
20 January 1999 |
Rating: F4
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The Best thing about this chilly season TV is always the films, because the rest (bar the occasional ‘Eastenders’ fight club special) is all just pap fillers and repeats. The problem is that since the introduction of the video rental there’s no real event Christmas movies – whatever the Beeb are premiering has been available down Family Choice Video in the high St for the past two years. The last film is caught at Christmas to cause any significant wildness was ‘Raiders of the Lost Ark’, and that’d been out on Betamax for a while anyway – not that any other saps except me had Betamax anyway.
So no big thrills this year then, as the only notable point about the big films is that to some extent they’re all grandiose disaster flicks. ‘It’s the night before Christmas Mummy – let’s watch large parts of the Earth blasted to pieces by nasty aliens before the Fresh Prince sorts them out’ (ahh! ‘Independence Day’ on Chrissy Eve at 8.30) ‘It’s Christmas Mummy – let’s watch hundred of people drown in the freezing sea !’ (that’d be ‘Titanic’ then, on the big day at 5.45). ‘And Mummy, when it’s the beginning of a bright shiny New Year, can we see almost the entire world’s population massacred by flaming meteorites and drowned by tidal waves?’ (‘Deep Impact’ on Jan 2 at 8.05). ‘Gulp, Mummy I’m SCARED!’
I do wonder why BBC1 seems to have all the big guns this year – all those mentioned above AND a ‘Carry on’ season! I mean, what are ITV running against ‘Titanic’? Octa-bloody-pussy! That most duff of Bonds where Roggy Moore has so much make up on he looks like a stuffed transvestite! I suppose ITV are just hedging all their bets with a U-bend full of variety shows – ‘You’ve been framed at Christmas1’, that’s going to be fun, then.
So what will I actually watch myself if it’s all looking so barren? The concept of doing something else besides vegging in front of the magic box will NOT be entertained. No I shall be saving myself for the one evening of the holiday where all my fun buttons will be pressed. It’s ‘Japan’ night on 30 December. Everything from ‘Tesuo: the Iron man’, to ‘Tokyo Mistresses of Bondage’ to ‘The Sex Shogun of Shinjuku’. All this and slap bang in the middle of all this Nipponese overkill is a Tribute to Les Dawson – GREAT!
Ok – So that’s just the blathering over. Now let me more specific.
Christmas Shite film round up.
The Little Rascals ( 11.00am, BBC1, Jan 2 ) – The grimmest children’s film of the nineties. It fantastically low-brow and directed by the lady that brought you ‘Wayne’s World’ and ‘Suburbia’, and yet sucks with an almost almighty force.
Nine Months ( 9.00pm C4, Jan 4 ) – I LOVE Julianne Moore, she’s a raging SEX GODDESS !. But her husband in this is The Hugh Grant, and the memory of the plentiful scenes of him gurnying with pleasure at imminent fatherhood were enough to cause me to tear the page RIGHT OUT OF THE RADIO TIMES – RRRRRIP !!!.
Mad Dogs and Englishmen ( 12.10 BBC1, Jan 3 ) – First The Hugh Grant, and then a film with his ol’ main squeeze, Liz Hurley. This piss-poor thriller should be the height of anyone’s Xmas ‘So-bad-it’s-shite’ films to be drunk and unconscious through.
Christmas Rockin’ film round up.
Laughing Gravy ( 8.35 am BBC2, Boxing Day ) – The oldest and best film about centred around a funny animal EVER. Even if you have problems watching those scary men behaving like eight year olds in a scummy flat, this will still break your heart.
Soccer Dog: The Movie ( 3.10pm C5, Boxing Day ) – Haven’t seen it, but with a title like that, how can it fail to be a fantastic piece of entertainment !.
Turner and Hooch ( actually not on at all this Christmas ) – So it’s not on, but so what – it’s a GREAT film ( perhaps Tom Hank’s finest work before he started doing Christ-roles ) and it nicely completes my Canine Celluloid trilogy. Maybe next year eh ?
The festive soap fight club is upon us
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