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I met Singaporean lady named Kim in Ubud, Bali's cultural centre and a really cool and friendly place. It was my custom there to walk down the street and smile at literally everybody I saw, enjoying the novelty of the experience prior to immersion in London's empty faces. Invariably I got beaming smiles back from all the locals and blank expressions or tight-lipped attempts from Westerners. Anyway, one lady who smiled back was Kim - she was standing on the street in short shorts, and for a (guilty) split second I thought she might be a hooker. She was extremely friendly and flirtatious, saying how handsome I was and how I looked like a movie star ... I was feeling pretty gorgeous that day so I thought she was probably on the money. We had a very friendly chat, she told me that she worked in Citibank in Singapore and was on holiday, she was impressed of course with tales of my TV career. Within five minutes she invited me to have lunch with her and her brother, who lived in Ubud, two days later, the last day of my holiday.
Needless to say I kept the date, not really expecting to get laid or anything (seeing as I only had I five hour window!), but happy to be having another interesting travelling encounter with a totally unlikely person. She picked me up in a car with a driver and we drove for maybe 15 minutes to her brother's house. On the way she was just as friendly as before, and flirtatious too, flattering me and touching my hand. I was enjoying it, not expecting anything but just digging the scene.
We pulled up outside an unremarkable suburban house and inside I was introduced to her brother. Kim disappeared to get me a Coke and some food and I started to chat with her bro. His English wasn't as good as Kim's - I understood maybe 90% of what he was saying - but he was friendly and told me about his business. He used to be in the merchant navy and still travelled all over the world, working in casinos and such.
Kim brought me some rice with some unpleasant-looking chicken knuckles and some tasty artichoke - I tucked into the artichoke and decided to say that I was a vegetarian if anyone asked. Kim's brother talked a bit about casinos, asked if I ever played cards, I said not really, I know Blackjack, and he offered to show me a trick or two. I said, Sure, why not? and we went over to a card table.
He started dealing cards and then he started telling me about a system you could use if you wanted to cheat. He made signals with his fingers to indicate what card was coming up next, and also what card he had just dealt the other player. We played a lot of hands, it was all rather hard to take in, but I was concentrating and trying my best and not wanting to be rude since he was going to all this trouble to teach me something.
Kim came back in and sat next to me, I showed her what I'd learned and we laughed about it. Then her brother said that he often worked in casinos and London, and maybe we could meet up next time he was there. I could come to the casino and maybe we could use the system to win some money, maybe off one of the rich businessman he dealt with all the time. Maybe one of those businessmen might be a little too rich and a little too greedy, and we might teach them a lesson, eh? I kind of nodded along, not really comfortable with the idea, but hell it's never going to happen so who cares? He asked for my address/phone number in London and I gave it - I thought at least I might get a free entry to a casino.
Then he said something about having to meet someone and about having to leave soon. I was quite relieved because I'd had enough cards, and I'd rather spend the rest of the time alone with Kim ... He got up from the table and went into the next room. I talked to Kim, laughed and flirted a bit more, and then her brother answered the door. He came back to the table with a bloke in tow.
This guy was darker than Kim and her brother, a little older, carrying a briefcase and with a serious, if not to say severe expression. Kim's brother introduced him as a business associate from Malaysia and me as Sam from England. We shook hands and he sat down at the table, opposite me and on Kim's brother's left. Kim's brother said that the Malaysian man wanted to play a little cards with me before he went off to do some business. He started dealing cards.
Needless to say this development was a freaky surprise. This was not what I had in mind and to put it bluntly, did not know what the hell was going on. I was no card player and a fantasy scenario which I had no particular interest in had suddenly become a reality that I was not at all comfortable with.
I said to Kim: Look, I feel nervous, I don't feel comfortable with this, I don't want to play cards with this guy. She squeezed my leg and said: Relax, it's OK, we'll play together. I looked at her brother and he winked and started dealing. Through all this the Malaysian didn't blink an eye, didn't even register what I'd said.
At that point the situation took on a dream-like quality. I was still in a pretty good mood, high off all this new experience, and not really that bothered with what was going on since it was all rather ridiculous. And anyway, I wasn't going to be betting with any of my own money so who really cares? I'll just see what happens next. At the very least I'll have an interesting story to tell. I felt like a passive observer in the proceedings. However, I was acutely aware of the fact that I was effectively 'cornered', sitting behind the table in a corner of the living room with my back to the wall.
Kim's brother gave me some chips and started dealing. I looked at my cards, and glanced up to see him showing me the corner of the next card in the pack. He had clearly decided to give up on the 'finger system' and revert to a more straightforward method. With some leg-squeezing encouragement from Kim, I put a chip down for the next card and needless to say I won the hand. And the next one, and the next. I really couldn't believe what was going on. Who was this guy? Why was he playing cards with me, an obvious novice, who clearly didn't know what the hell he was doing? And how did he not realize he was being cheated? My disbelief turned to astonishment as he produced an enormous wad of freshly minted Indonesian banknotes and handed them to Kim's brother. Kim's brother said he could vouch for me and would give me several thousand dollars worth of credit. I nodded dumbly as he handed me some 'thousand-dollar' chips and we resumed playing.
I kept winning, Kim kept squeezing my leg, and the businessman kept getting out more and more cash. The whole situation seemed increasingly surreal and absurd. I was naturally very suspicious, but kept telling myself that I hadn't produced any of my own money, so there was nothing actually at risk. And I had a real fascination to see what was going to happen next.
The Malaysian guy was starting to react just as you'd expect someone to who was losing a lot of money: he was getting jittery and annoyed and complimented me bitterly on my luck. The brother, similarly, was looking nervous and excited. Then he asked me if I'd like a drink - which was a code he had told me about earlier, to indicate that this should be my last hand. He showed me the next card, I bought it, the Malaysian bought one to add to his 10 and then I bought another - adding up to 21. The Malaysian kept on raising me and soon all our chips were on the table. The combined total was $50,000.
At this point things got a little heated. The Malaysian refused to show his hand, saying that if I won, I would win all his money, whereas all he would win were chips. Kim's brother tried to persuade him, saying I was good for the credit, but he wouldn't waver and wanted to see my money. At that point he gestured for me to get up and follow him into the adjoining bedroom. He sat me down, visibly excited and nervous, saying he couldn't believe how much the Malaysian was spending. All I had to do was say that I'd go and get some money from my hotel and I was sure to win - he'd give me 50% of the winnings, as he couldn't have done it without me.
By this stage I was completely shellshocked, and nodded dumbly, following him back into the room. Kim's brother had me show him my Visa card to the Malaysian to prove that I could get the money as promised. It was decided that we should put our cards in separate envelopes, sign them and leave them locked up in the adjoining room for safe keeping. We did so, and the Malaysian took the key and went to leave - but not before announcing that he would be happy to accept gold or expensive watches.
As soon as he left, Kim turned to me excitedly, saying 'we're winning!', and then her brother explained to me the plan. He would try and borrow as much of the $25,000 stake as he could in the next couple of hours - How much could I contribute? The thought of taking home $25,000 flashed appealingly in my mind. I said that I could get maybe $4,000. Then the sense that it was far more likely that I'd be leaving Bali $4,000 lighter asserted itself. I said wasn't at all happy to give them money - how could I trust them?
Kim's brother said that there was no need to worry, everything was sorted, I couldn't fail to lose the hand. I said that I couldn't believe the Malaysian didn't know we were cheating. Kim said - He's crazy!
I agreed to go with Kim in the car back to my hotel. On the way I got pretty agitated, explaining that I didn't want to give them any money. I would be far happier not contributing anything and taking less of a cut. How did I know who they were? What if the Malaysian was some mafia guy who would chop my arms off when I tried to take his money? She nodded understandingly - in fact she didn't make any attempt to persuade me at all.
A few minutes of silence ensued as I began to relax. I even took a photo of her, smiling behind her sunglasses, so that I could remember the experience. When we got to my hotel she said that they'd give me a ring if they managed to get all the money together - if I'd gone by then they could always send me my $25,000 in the post.
Needless to say I never got a call, and I'm not expecting a wad of cash dropping on to my doormat. It's probably difficult for you to understand why I believed the situation was real for a moment. The thing is, that when you're in a real-life situation that takes a turn for the unreal, it's very hard to see the join until you look back. And let me tell you, those guys were great actors - the Malaysian businessman came straight out of central casting. His nervous twitches would have put De Niro to blame.
On balance, I won hands down. It was one of the most intense experiences of my life, and quite a privelege to play the part of the 'mark' in a classic 'sting' - the closest I'll get to being in a Hollywood movie.
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