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The Big Golden Naked Man Awards
Talk, , 04 January 1999
Chances are you're reading this after the event. That means you already know who won what, and what they wore. You know that even if not a single British person won anything in any category they'll still find some shred of The Might of the British Film Empire in someone's award. That said I bet Sam Mendes won Best Director, and he's from Surrey or something isn't he ?.


Of course we all know the prize-giving ceremony is a large bag of bull. The Best Picture is rarely the best picture etc etc. The voters involved are massively swayed by commercial and sentimental pressures, and the result is films like Rocky and Titanic coming out top of the heap. But thankfully this year's seen a pretty good crop of films, so whatever wins won't rile anyone up too much.


Putting the films aside, the real pleasure of the Ozzies for me is the ceremony itself. On the surface it is three hours of dullness personified, the space between the giving of the golden man taken up by really painful clip montages and grim comedy skitting by the host, not to mention the infamous Film Dance Interpretation break - so awful that this year for the first time it's been terminated. The good stuff is the camera cutting to the Celluloid Gods Who walk this earth, who actually have to sit through this stuff rammed into sweaty tuxedos (wooah!) and not even allowed out for a wee-wee. There's some of the finest acting on display as those frozen smiles kick in. At least us normal folk can drink all the tea we want, and go flush our stuff without having to crawl past an irritated Charlton Heston. Great.


I've stayed up to watch the ceremony most years until it finally got shoved from the Beeb, where it filled the 2am to 5am slot nicely before another week of school/work/unemployment. Nowadays we just get some edited highlights pinned together with some babblehead like Tania Bryer or Wossie failing to get post awards chat with any pissede A-listers. It's a shame 'cause these bits can great sometimes.- I remember watching James Woods propping up the bar once, giving a ace post-award summing up complete with too-slow language filtering in process. Other times if you're lucky, when they're interviewing some bod about the show, in the background you can pick out the red-eyed celebs staggering around unaware of the cameras looking for the free booze. Just like you and me, but vastly richer. Top Home