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| You British are the kamikaze pidgeons! |
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| Talk,
Madame X,
16 January 1999 | |
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For those of you who have thought I was perfect all that time, just by being French I suppose, I must say that I have a confession to make.. I am not. I am scared of pigeons and I hate them. Mind you, this has not always been the case. It’s only happened since I moved to England. I used to walk in the countryside and talk to all sorts of birds and French little animals, fulfilled by the beauty of French nature. A bit like Snow White I’d say, you know at the beginning when she has such a good laugh with her bird friends.
That’s why I think that my problem has something to do with British pigeons. I know pigeons haven’t got much of a brain but I reckon the Londoners beat any record. Walking in any street will do for anybody to confirm my point. They are arrogant, dirty, nasty, fat little fellows. A friend of mine calls herself pigeon woman. She’s has in the last couple of months witnessed four pigeon deaths at her feet. Just like that. Three dropping dead in front of her and one actually crashing on her chest. I never knew that pigeons were kamikaze.
Think about it, an average London pigeon thinking one day "well well well .. (as they all say – animals they might look like, but British they are aren’t they ?! ) today I am a killer, I want to kill some French humans. I’ve thought about it all night in my squat underneath the bridge, and I’ve got a good strategy. A Big hard smack on the chest should do the trick". And the next thing you know is that the pigeon dies. Hasn’t really thought that a human chest, especially a big firm French bosom like we all have, could be his end. I don’t think that many Rosbifs do actually.
Anyway. After I heard that anecdote, I just thought -" pigeons are fat, ugly, rude, thick, arrogant dirty little creatures". But hold on a secondÂ…isn’t that the perfect description of Rosbifs ?.
So I started investigating, doing some research. It can’t be. Would it be possible that pigeons, by evolving and adapting to their microsphere, have inherited from the British mind ?. Or is it that the British brain actually comes directly from pigeons and birds? Would it be that Rosbifs are the oldest race on earth, and have evolved following another pattern, and still looking like normal human beings. Or maybe just pretending to look like normal people. Maybe they are all monsters underneath their human outfits. Just like the reptile-men in Doctor Who, who had lived underneath the ground for a million years. That would explain everything actually. The rude manners, the smell, the high pitched voices, the bad habit of making noises that nobody understands all day (talking bullshit for us), the incapacity to play football, the contentment of washing with water only, the taste for raw vegetables, the cult for Animal Hospital and Cilla Black.
So many things become clear now, there is now way we can let these creatures into Europe. They have planned to destroy us all for centuries, and now look, they’ve built that big dome spaceship to kill us all. I bet French lorry drivers are all led by Jospin, our Prime minister, to stop them crossing the channel, abducting our children and poisoning us with their beef. He is the leader of the French resistance against The Rosbif I tell you! Vive la France! Vie la Resistance! – we’ll destroy you England.
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