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| Jerry's review of a year in TV |
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| Talk,
Jerry Carpenter,
20 January 1999 | |
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Let’s start by saying that this was the year I bought my first new TV, after seven years of rubbish brightness-challenged, awful-reception viewing. Now seeing the world through the Nicam-tinted Sansung 21 inch eyes, celebrities like Alan Titchmarsh and Dawn French have never seemed so clear and large. But has the quality of the TV output itself improved along with the image?
Well it’s a telling sign that I can’t really remember so much of the year beyond the whole ‘Big Brother’ business. The only major trend I’d picked up on is there seems to be SO MANY PEOPLE ON TV. Long gone are the days when the only people on the telly were a couple of middle-aged women, a few sensible suit wearing old fellers, and a puppet donkey. Now of course, as my old mucker Andy W says, everybody is a star – and they’re getting waaaay more than their allotted 15 minutes. Ten innocuous boring buggers on TV for TEN WEEKS! – and almost every night! Add to this the continuing popularity of docu-soaps, home/garden/personality/pet improvement programmes, and public on public games shows and you get the distinct impression that the licence fee should start being paid back to the general public, as we’re the ones doing all the hard work.
Also the never ending spawning of young, hip yet indistinguishable presenters whose names escape me shows no sign of slowing down. This frightening brood seems to be flitting in between channels and shows on a weekly basis, the result being that I never quite know what I’m watching. The charming foetus-like Gail Porter seems to have the ability to appear on three channels at once on certain Sundays, as does that amiable laddy guy Dermot, who does Channel 4’s ‘T4’ stuff. And what about Ant and Dec! well, OK, they’re not quite so young anymore – those guys bounce around TV schedules like silly geordie pinballs. Have they no sense of loyalty?
Arghh – too much blather, time for easy modern mag-style list writing!
The Best things in Life
‘Vids’ and ‘Bits’ – Channel 4’s late-night power combo, lazy guys doing films and spunky girls doing games. The best reason to stay up late on Sunday beyond terminal unemployment.
‘Big Brother’ – For the majority of it’s run really, really annoying, but nevertheless supplied one of the BEST moments on the box EVER. You know the bit.
Buffy and ‘Angel’ – In the year I thought sci-fi TV was going seriously down in flames, these two ACE imports from the yanks remind me why I learned to set a video recorder. It’s an old nerd whinge, but removed from it’s teen roots, the Buffster is still the one of the best scripted shows around knocking UK drama into a shitty hat.
‘The Sopranos’ - Ya, ya, very bloody obvious, but it is REALLY GOOD. Great swearing, and a masterclass in how to be threatening. Plus points for getting more over-forties on TV.
‘Jam’ - Ya, ya, very bloody obvious, but it was REALLY GOOD. And it didn’t have any ad breaks! And it had Kilroy silk pissing at himself on TV. And it had that grim porn-horror feature on the GUSH!
‘Nigella Bites’ and ‘Nigel Slaters real food’ – Nigel’s food is nice and I’m in awe of his copper bottomed pans, as much as I’m in awe of uber-strumpet Nigella’s bottom.
‘Pokemon’ – Helped me wake up early for the first time on Saturdays. Helped me once again fall in love with evil corporate kid-cocaine product.
The worst, saddest moments
‘The Weakest Link’ and That ‘Millionaire’ gameshow – Easy targets only because they’re nasty money-grabber shows presented by even nastier people and yet immensely popular. Enough to make you move to Mars.
‘Urban Gothic’ – For years I wait for a non-BBC cheap, exploitative horror TV series, and they bring this piss poor lame donkey out of the Channel 5 stable. Shit acting/scripting/production values/music. Bastards.
‘Pornography’ – Not enlightening. Not arousing. Flop of the year.
‘Naked Chef’ – Half an hour of this gawping cretin ducking and diving around to a brit-crap-rock soundtrack pretty much sums up a large part of what’s going wrong with this country. Even a couple of nice looking stir-frys didn’t help.
‘Digimon’ – Made me stay in bed on Satudays. Made me cynical again. So bad it hurt my feelings.
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